Outside myself

Well, the slacker-writer is making yet another attempt to pay some long-needed attention to her blog, much by the spurring on of wonderful friends that are tired, i'm sure, of logging on to see what's going on in the heart, life and adventures of janina, only to find that the most recent entry is the same as when they last came.....at any rate, here i am again. I will need some instruction on how to personalize my page here, as i am still quite "blog illiterate," mostly from lack of use, i'm sure, so if anyone would like to offer helpful tid bits, i would be most appreciative (tee hee!)

....things are changing so fast for me, and as of yesterday were in such a funk that i was mopey and depressed...then i went to church and saw so many broken hearts being overlooked.....at the end of the service i walked over to the keyboard and began to play as my dad closed in prayer---i didn't ask, just did it....and the tears came down their cheeks as they huddled to the front....broken, bleeding, fragmented people...seems now that i have spent time among them i can see their wounds so much more clearly...and i feel a certain camaraderie with them....i want to see them know the flood of grace and forgiveness that is ours! so whether provided or not, i wait for opportunity and take it---whether or not the service at church that we've known for ever so long leaves space for healing or not, i will take the chances i see to allow the Holy Spirit to pour out on weary souls...wow, THIS is what it's all about....THIS is why i must stop it with my navel gazing---that's what it is, though all too often i tell myself that it's grief over this last year and the time lost...but the truth is, it's NOT been lost! nothing will go without restoration as i call on my Love who lovingly scoops my heart into His strong arms and says.... "...I am gathering every piece of your heart that has been scattered! and I am making it new, I am making it new....'cause you aught to know, that when I see you I see a queen..." yes, and He is....and life is beautiful.....today was another wonderful experience among "the lowly of heart": i went over to another church to lead worship for them as they are without a worship leader for the time-being, and just recently lost their pastor to a heart attack....i was greeted by a sweet lady, recently widowed....she was so friendly! her faded dress was beautiful, because she was wearing it, and the smile on her time-weathered face warmed my insides...she picked up my heavy amp and insisted on carrying it inside, even after i had made sure she knew it was heavy and that i could get it....."no no" she said, " i can get it sweetie"....here i was to serve and was being out-served already! a small gathering of people mingled slowly into the front room of a restaurant where we'd be holding the service...mostly older people with warm smiles, and a mother or two that looked as though they'd had their bout with speed and terrible situations, young ones in tow....tired souls that have done alot of living, but now having a reverberating love and joy shining from somewhere deep inside....and each so delighted that i had come...." you see," one said softly, "we've just been using the tape player lately and it is so nice to have live music!" wow, humbling----to be among these was like peering into GOLD....and we hadn't even started yet.....we opened in prayer and as i hit the first chord, sweet melodies filled the room and Jesus entering as we welcomed Him with open arms and hearts.....my heart spilled over and i thought, "oh Jesus! PLEASE keep me with the lowly of heart! i am so weary of the masquerades and of the pride we carry around with us like some disclaimer! let me serve the humble...." these are hearts that are soooo ready for rain! they soaked up every drop like dry sponges....wow. the message was out of Heb. 10....the pastor, for now, is a man sent from down in the valley with his family to fill in until a more permanent pastor is found....he encouraged us to enter boldly into the throne room of grace and to remember that all we need is Jesus in this race....to keep enthusiasm and servanthood as our attitudes.... a simple, refreshing message of hope and the simplicity of the Gospel....my heart is sooo encouraged! i don't know where i will "fit" really, as i re-enter the ministry scene at our church, but one thing is certain: if this year of being broken, in so many senses of it; whether self-induced or not---if it has brought me closer to knowing what Jesus' ministry was really about here on earth, i wouldn't trade a single minute of it! Lord, change my heart and open my eyes to see what concerns your heart and what you want to see happen in this place....though i think and fantasize about it nearly every day, i know it's not time for me to leave.....thank you for showing me what my ministry is here.....i won't leave until you tell me it's time....let perseverance have it's complete work and help me to keep my attitude in check----even if i don't end up with the humble as i'd like, you can cause me to be a blessing to the proud pharisee as well......yes, He is able to keep me outside myself.