Hold My Heart

Momma says she don’t know if daddy’s ever comin’ back
An’ most the time I don’t understand why a
Momma says we got to hold onto our faith and
Sometimes I don’t even care to try to anymore

But Momma says You’re all that we’ve got left
And she says that You’d never leave us beggin’ bread
An’ Momma says You’re one that I can trust
She says no matter what You’ll always be my Daddy…could it be?

Daddy says he don’t know why Momma left, but
I think we both know by what she said
Daddy says she still cares but I don’t know
How can you say you still care when you turn around
And walk away, you don’t stay anymore

Daddy says we gotta keep hangin’ on
An’ he says Your arms reach wider than the ocean
Daddy says You hold the wind and the waves
He says if I trust You, You could hold my heart that way….with all it’s broken pieces

Well lately I’ve been thinkin’, yeah Jesus ‘bout trustin’ You
And lately I’ve been wonderin’, could all these things be true?
Do You really hold the ocean? Do you rule the wind and the waves?
An’ maybe if I trust You, You could hold my heart that way…and heal its broken pieces?

Yeah well I think I’m gonna trust…I think I’m gonna trust…yeah think I’m gonna trust You
'Cause Momma says she don’t know…an’ Daddy says he don’t know…think I’m gonna trust You….

Open The Sky

I need You like the ground needs the rain
When it’s dry
I need You like a bird taking flight
Needs open sky

Open the heavens
Open the sky
Open the heavens
Open the sky

Tears from heaven, fall
Rain from heaven, fall
Tears from heaven, fall
Rain from heaven, fall

Melting our hearts
Melting our hearts
Break up this fallow ground
Break up this fallow ground…..

Nonsense

Some days are just like that
There’s no way anyone could have known
Warned an innocent bystander
Or dragged us out of the way

Sometimes you just know it’s gonna be
Sometimes you don’t know why
Sometimes it’s supposed to be like that
So why don’t we all just go away

There are things to learn from this
There are times of fate and twist
There are no other rhymes than this
So why not say goodbye

Going out on the highway
Riding high on the my way
Gonna be what they all say can’t happen for me
And never gonna look back again

This is all gibberish
I know no one will mind
All will be obliterated soon
And then we stay all impish anyway

So this is the end
It’s ever so near
And all you wanted to hear
Is for me to say no more….

The end

Janina Tunnell
July 24, 2004
7 something pm

Waiting for my cordon bleu to be done

Bye

Flightless Sparrow

“Dedicated to all of those who are lost and alone. To those trying to fly with unrealized handicaps; may your healing come. To the ones who are trying to be something you’re not, may you find your identity in the Only One who can teach you to fly…” ~ Janina



Silent cries, will anyone hear? Heart wrenching sobs, does anyone care?

She feels like a bird without a mama,
Never learned to fly an’ now she’s tryin’ out her wings alone

Failure after failure; each fall’s a little harder
She wonders what she’s doin’ wrong

Will someone stop and tell her, or will they all keep passin’ by
With their cold stares and heartless judgments…

Flightless sparrow
Flightless sparrow
Wonderin’ what you’re here for…

Flightless sparrow
Flightless sparrow
Wonderin’ if you’ll be here tomorrow…

Now she’s alone and she’s thinkin’,
Maybe the peak she’s tryin’ to fly to is just too steep…
Or maybe she’s settin’ goals she just can’t hope to keep

She’s thinkin’ ‘bout how it’d be to fly, even for a short spell
To feel the wind sharp and strong against her face,
And under wings, lifting her high above earth’s hardened ground…
If only she knew how!

Awaking from dreamy contemplation
She rubs the bruises on her arms and belly—drawing her sharply back to reality

A Stranger brushes past
Seeing her dejected state, compassion fills His heart…
And as He turns He gently says,
“It’s always hard to fly with broken wings…”

Rising into His warm embrace, relief fills her heart...
She’d always known something just wasn’t right
And now she knows—healing needs to come before you truly fly!
Until now, she never had anyone to tell her everything would be ok
And it was good that at least she’d tried….
Now she’s healing, and she knows she’ll reach that lofty height...

Written By: Janina Rene’ Tunnell, April 15, 2000

Outside myself

Well, the slacker-writer is making yet another attempt to pay some long-needed attention to her blog, much by the spurring on of wonderful friends that are tired, i'm sure, of logging on to see what's going on in the heart, life and adventures of janina, only to find that the most recent entry is the same as when they last came.....at any rate, here i am again. I will need some instruction on how to personalize my page here, as i am still quite "blog illiterate," mostly from lack of use, i'm sure, so if anyone would like to offer helpful tid bits, i would be most appreciative (tee hee!)

....things are changing so fast for me, and as of yesterday were in such a funk that i was mopey and depressed...then i went to church and saw so many broken hearts being overlooked.....at the end of the service i walked over to the keyboard and began to play as my dad closed in prayer---i didn't ask, just did it....and the tears came down their cheeks as they huddled to the front....broken, bleeding, fragmented people...seems now that i have spent time among them i can see their wounds so much more clearly...and i feel a certain camaraderie with them....i want to see them know the flood of grace and forgiveness that is ours! so whether provided or not, i wait for opportunity and take it---whether or not the service at church that we've known for ever so long leaves space for healing or not, i will take the chances i see to allow the Holy Spirit to pour out on weary souls...wow, THIS is what it's all about....THIS is why i must stop it with my navel gazing---that's what it is, though all too often i tell myself that it's grief over this last year and the time lost...but the truth is, it's NOT been lost! nothing will go without restoration as i call on my Love who lovingly scoops my heart into His strong arms and says.... "...I am gathering every piece of your heart that has been scattered! and I am making it new, I am making it new....'cause you aught to know, that when I see you I see a queen..." yes, and He is....and life is beautiful.....today was another wonderful experience among "the lowly of heart": i went over to another church to lead worship for them as they are without a worship leader for the time-being, and just recently lost their pastor to a heart attack....i was greeted by a sweet lady, recently widowed....she was so friendly! her faded dress was beautiful, because she was wearing it, and the smile on her time-weathered face warmed my insides...she picked up my heavy amp and insisted on carrying it inside, even after i had made sure she knew it was heavy and that i could get it....."no no" she said, " i can get it sweetie"....here i was to serve and was being out-served already! a small gathering of people mingled slowly into the front room of a restaurant where we'd be holding the service...mostly older people with warm smiles, and a mother or two that looked as though they'd had their bout with speed and terrible situations, young ones in tow....tired souls that have done alot of living, but now having a reverberating love and joy shining from somewhere deep inside....and each so delighted that i had come...." you see," one said softly, "we've just been using the tape player lately and it is so nice to have live music!" wow, humbling----to be among these was like peering into GOLD....and we hadn't even started yet.....we opened in prayer and as i hit the first chord, sweet melodies filled the room and Jesus entering as we welcomed Him with open arms and hearts.....my heart spilled over and i thought, "oh Jesus! PLEASE keep me with the lowly of heart! i am so weary of the masquerades and of the pride we carry around with us like some disclaimer! let me serve the humble...." these are hearts that are soooo ready for rain! they soaked up every drop like dry sponges....wow. the message was out of Heb. 10....the pastor, for now, is a man sent from down in the valley with his family to fill in until a more permanent pastor is found....he encouraged us to enter boldly into the throne room of grace and to remember that all we need is Jesus in this race....to keep enthusiasm and servanthood as our attitudes.... a simple, refreshing message of hope and the simplicity of the Gospel....my heart is sooo encouraged! i don't know where i will "fit" really, as i re-enter the ministry scene at our church, but one thing is certain: if this year of being broken, in so many senses of it; whether self-induced or not---if it has brought me closer to knowing what Jesus' ministry was really about here on earth, i wouldn't trade a single minute of it! Lord, change my heart and open my eyes to see what concerns your heart and what you want to see happen in this place....though i think and fantasize about it nearly every day, i know it's not time for me to leave.....thank you for showing me what my ministry is here.....i won't leave until you tell me it's time....let perseverance have it's complete work and help me to keep my attitude in check----even if i don't end up with the humble as i'd like, you can cause me to be a blessing to the proud pharisee as well......yes, He is able to keep me outside myself.

For My Fwend

This entry is for a dear, amazing friend of mine who is always ever so eager to check and see if I have added to my negleted blog...as you can see, I havn't for awhile. So for now, Diana, I LOVE YOU!!!! Thank you for being such an inspiration to me and for checking to see if there's anything new on here and wanting to read what I write!!! Girl, you are the BOMB!! Lovin' you....

Project Worldmerge, stage one

Ok, so you have every right to think that I've dropped off the face of the earth, based on my lack of postings.....but the truth is quite the opposite--in fact, part of the reason I have not been writing at all is that soooo much has been going on in my life lately, I seriously didn't even know where to begin! But here I am, finally, and here goes...

A-hem.......geez! Where do I even begin?? Well, as a friend of mine has sung to me quite a few times this week (*wink*) "Start at the very beginning, a very good place to start...." ok, so good advice, but I really think that if I were to do this, there'd be similar side affects as those of a flu or cold medicine... "CAUTION: drowsiness, headache and in severe cases, dry mouth and vomitting may occur..." ok so BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!! QUIT STALLING, JANINA, AND GET ON WITH IT!!! A-hem, ok ok.....so ever since I moved back home, having travelled some and going to school for a year, it is obvious I have faced certain struggles and character buliding episodes...the things I found most difficult were not what you, or I for that matter, would have expected--you know, the typical loneliness, boredome, small-town suffication syndrom, financial hardships etc., but instead, the constant coming back to certain realizations…realizations like, so much of what I have thought were things that would pan out in my life as I became more independent and in taking more personal responsibility for my life and actions, when really I am beginning to think that they are things that will only change as I change…not acted upon by any outside source, with the exception of God’s influence, but coming from what lies within my own heart…ahh yes, my own heart…what a journey it is turning out to be in just learning to listen to this heart of mine! To be ok with following the desires that lie there once again…without fear of disappointment…that is what I am longing for…

Sorry to kinda cut this off on in the middle, but I need to log off now…more to come—I promise.

A Weekend Off

I am sitting in the business center of Embassy Suites Hotel. It is just after 9 pm (I think) and I just finished returning a few e-mails. When I came into the center it actually was for business, (yeah I know, "what a thought" huh?), but there were actually no items in my inbox needing immediate attention, so now am using this "business center" for leisure. YAY! This weekend has been such a breath of fresh air so far! I think I am just badly in need of a real vacation...as of Sept. 22nd it will have been a year for me as the manager of the company I work for, and the only time I have taken off has been for business trips, besides a day (or HALF day) here and there. So they are saying that I can take a vacation after my one-year mark, and I just might get a week paid out of it at that! So I keep telling myself that it will be worth the wait. I really like my job at this point, though it has it's times, of course. Lately though, I have been thinking alot about going back to school. My dad says that is normal for my age...it has been something I have been wanting to do for ever so long!! So I am not sure I entirely agree. At any rate, something has got to start changing at least by the beginning of the year...hmmmmm, I am getting really sleepy now and it has been a really long day, so I think that I shall bid you farewell for the night. Buenas noches.

Non-Labor Day

This has been a truly nice day! Feeling refreshed and rejuvenate, I think I am ready to renter the working world. It was an especially long weekend for me, as I only worked half-day on Friday, so that is nice. But to be honest, it makes it just that much more difficult to go back! Hee hee, well at least it will make for a shorter week. Anyways, I was just thinking of the irony of it all; you know, Labor Day, and it is a weekend where hardly anyone does ANY labor, if they can help it, at all! So funny. Yeah, we are a generation that doesn't really know why we celebrate certain holidays, yet are very "patriotic" in being sure to celebrate, whether we know why or not!

Well, I don't have much time, but thought I'd at least put in my tribute to The National Day Off. Thanks to whoever it is owed, praise to whoever deserves it, and success to anyone who has worked hard for it! I am personally thankful for the opportunities I face every day to earn my own living and enjoy the privileges that accompany it. We live in a very blessed nation; may we take time more often to nurture gratitude in our attitudes and hearts for it. As much as I have my days, like anyone else, where getting up and being to work on time is such a chore, I hope that I will not lose sight of the blessing it really is. At least I have a job! At least I have the freedom to choose the profession of my liking. While some jobs may be only that, a job ("Just Over Broke," as my dad says, hee hee), at least we may continue our education if necessary as we keep a job to fund it, while heading towards a calling...yes, let us be thankful for what we have--it is more than some will ever come close to knowing first hand in their entire life! Now THERE'S a reason to get up in the morning! Ok, I am going to get off my soap box now and call it a night. (You know, so I can be fresh for work tomorrow.....)

"By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day." ~Robert Frost~

Day by day, moment by moment

I just got out from seeing what critics are calling 'the most romantic movie of the summer,' The Notebook. It came later to our sleepy little resort town than the larger cities, as many movies do, so I am sure I'm close to the billionth person to see it for the first time. Anyways, it is a good one. Your classic love story, with it's own unique twists and turns of course. One thing that really "spoke" to me is the part where the heroine has to decide what she wants in life. She has to search out her deepest desires and longings, and ultimately decide between two entirely different lives...I wont tell you what happens, in case you happen to be the billionth-and-one person to see it (hee hee). At any rate, I was left wondering how the film makers (novelist, in this case) were able to know what I was thinking about just this evening before seeing the movie??? I mean, sure, it is your typical searching-for-true-love-and-meaning type story, so it makes sense that nearly everyone would relate to it in some way or another; that it would touch some natural human desire in any heart---but to say some of those very same things that I myself had said just hours ago, and then see it on the big screen??? Too trippy. I have been feeling so torn lately...I have a good solid job, the freedom (for the most part) to dictate my own schedule, my own space, friends and family that love me deeply, growing relationships---and SO much more! Yet here in my heart there remains a yearning for adventure, love, learning and far off places...I wonder why I continue to relate each of those first three with the last as being the answer--that those things can only be found far away from where I am? You know, lately I feel that my thinking is probably much like that of Anne of Green Gables, who went looking for her "ideals" and found later that she had looked so far outside of who she was and where she came from, that they were not there at the end of her search, but right back in the town and home that she had begun from...I wonder if that is what is happening with me? If so, it would make sense to simply stay and grow, learning to be content. Yet I also wonder whether that journey away and back again was what actually caused her to see what she had left behind, and whether or not she would have come to that conclusion had she not ventured off.... Hmmm, well I guess all I, or anyone for that matter, can do is take it a moment at a time. Day by day, hour by hour, learning to live in the moment. I don't want to miss a single breath of it, and if I continue to try and see into the future, I will miss not only moments, but perhaps a whole wonderful life! So, here we are...I must learn to BE first, then do. I have a feeling that this is where I will find the water for this thirsty soul and sustenance for my hungry heart...day by day.